Liberal Jewish Values and Practice Leaflets
Jewish Marriage by Rabbi David Goldberg
Marriage has always been highly valued in Jewish tradition.
To marry was deemed an obligation, and celibacy, as practised
by such minority sects as the Essenes, has never been favoured
by mainstream Judaism. The priests of old usually married, as
did the rabbis who succeeded them in ministering to the people.
For Judaism, marriage serves three interrelated purposes.
First, the propagation of the human species, as commanded in
Genesis 1:28, "Be fruitful and multiply". According
to talmudic law, this obligation is deemed to have been fulfilled
when a man has begotten at least one son and one daughter, just
as God created male and female in the Garden of Eden.
Secondly, marriage affords loving companionship. Again in the
words of the Book of Genesis, "It is not good that man
should be alone.... Therefore shall a man leave his father and
his mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they become one
flesh" (Genesis 2:18 and 24). Ideally, marriage is a lifelong
relationship of mutual fidelity, respect and consideration.
Certainly, in the traditional sources, which reflect ancient
patriarchal society, marriage is viewed primarily from a male
perspective, but it is noteworthy that great emphasis is placed
on the rights, economic, social and sexual, of the wife. A typical
rabbinic teaching praises the man "who loves his wife as
himself, and honours her even more than himself" (Yebamot
62b).
Thirdly, marriage establishes the family as the basic social
unit, and the home as the "little sanctuary" (Ezekiel
11:16) in which the father corresponds to a priest, the mother
to a priestess, and the table to an altar. It is where children
can grow up under the loving protection and guidance of their
parents, and where the Jewish religion can be practised and
transmitted from generation to generation.
That, broadly speaking, is the philosophy of Jewish marriage.
We might also note that the notion of Romantic Love -a mediaeval
European concept- played little or no part in Jewish or other
marriages in the ancient world, which were commonly arranged
by the parents. Nowadays, in almost all Jewish communities,
young people choose their own marriage partners: Jewish law
does not permit anyone to be married against his or her will.
Even so, in some instances their choice is subject to a number
of restrictions.
It might seem superfluous to begin by mentioning that Jewish
marriage is monogamous, but this was not always the case. Male
(but not female) polygamy was permitted in biblical and talmudic
times, although increasingly rarely practised; but it was not
until the twelfth century that it was formally prohibited among
Ashkenazi Jews, although it is still theoretically permissible,
where the law of the land allows it, among Sephardi Jews.
A more pertinent restriction is that a Jewish marriage is only
possible where both parties are Jewish. Jewish opposition to
mixed marriages stemmed, in ancient times, from the fear that
paganizing influences would subvert the nation's religious life;
it stems today from concern at the demographic consequences
for the survival of the Jewish people should inter-marriage
continue at the high level - between 25 and 50 per cent - that
it has reached in America and some European countries, including
Great Britain. If that sounds like a negative reason for regretting
marriage out of the Jewish faith, a more positive one, which
statistical surveys seem to confirm, is that a couple's chances
of cementing a stable marriage are strengthened by a background
of shared outlook, aspirations and religious values.
When one of the partners is not Jewish, he or she can, of course,
convert to Judaism and thereafter be married in a religious
ceremony.
All that needs to be said here is that conversion under Liberal Judaism
auspices is more welcoming and less rigorous than under Orthodox
Judaism, but that subsequent recognition as a Jew will tend
to be limited to non-Orthodox communities worldwide.
A third restriction is the "forbidden degrees" of
consanguinity and affinity stated in the Bible (principally
Leviticus 18), and elaborated in later rabbinic law. These forbidden
unions broadly accord with those prohibited by the civil legislation
of most countries, but two complications need to be mentioned.
The first concerns a husband who disappears without trace, for
example at sea, or during a war. Whereas the civil authorities
may declare the putative widow free to re-marry, traditional
Jewish law would not permit her to do so without what it regarded
as indubitable evidence of his death.
Other complications may arise in divorce cases. Jewish tradition
extols marriage but recognises that a breakdown of the relationship
can occur, for a variety of causes, and so allows divorce. In
Orthodox Judaism, the religious procedure for this, based on
Deuteronomy 24:l-4, can only be initiated by the husband, and
after a civil dissolution of the marriage has been granted.
If, for whatever reason, a Jewish couple who have obtained a
civil divorce are unable, or unwilling, to proceed with a religious
divorce, called in Hebrew a get, then according to traditional
law the woman is still "tied" to her former husband;
were she to re-marry in such circumstances, her second marriage
would be technically adulterous, because in contravention of
the "forbidden degrees", and therefore any children
of it would be mamzerim, - that is, the offspring of a prohibited
union and debarred, in their turn, from marrying another Jew
who is not similarly a mamzer. Progressive Judaism disregards
the law and disabilities of the mamzer as being ethically unjust.
We permit a man or woman to re-marry in synagogue without a
prior religious divorce, although, to safeguard themselves,
we recommend that they should transact a get, and will put them
in touch with the relevant Orthodox authorities.
Similarly, traditional Judaism does not permit the religious
marriage of a divorcee to a Cohen - that is, to someone bearing
the name of the ancient priestly caste. Progressive Judaism
has discarded all laws and practices pertaining to the hereditary
priesthood, and so would allow such a marriage to be solemnised
in synagogue.
It can be seen that Progressive Judaism generally adopts a more
enlightened attitude to the whole question of marriage and religious
divorce, but do consult a Liberal Judaism rabbi if you have any queries
or anxieties about this complex issue.
As is evident from the obligations and expectations surrounding
it, Judaism regards marriage as a serious undertaking, not to
be entered into lightly. The ideal Jewish marriage could be
described as a triangle, with two human beings at its base,
and their Creator at its apex. In a Jewish marriage, the partners
complement each other and fulfil themselves, their union blessed
and sanctified by God. It is a solemn commitment, requiring
patience, tact and loving sympathy; liable at times, as all
human relationships are, to anger, disappointment and pain;
but at its best affording the potential for that happiness which,
according to the blessings of the marriage ceremony, Adam and
Eve experienced in the Garden of Eden.
(For further information, see also Guide to Jewish Marriage
by Rabbi John D. Rayner, published by Liberal Judaism)
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